you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
