The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
