I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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