every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
