I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
