If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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