come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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