I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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