i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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