I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
there was a trapeze. enough said
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
