we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
