You work out of a Hotel?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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