That's when you crack a 10am beer
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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