Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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