oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
