It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
