it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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