I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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