new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
