Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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