i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
