my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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