Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
