Is it normal to miss your booty call?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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