why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
