I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
