I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
