We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
