I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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