i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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