Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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