I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
