I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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