Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
it's like heaven, but drunker
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
