I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
