I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
