are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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