My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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