drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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