dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
