roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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