His hands were made for my vagina.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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