the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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