Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
