im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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