I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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