his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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