I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
