just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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