I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
