Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I want her autograph on my taint
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
